05 April, 2010
I feel what I feel.
You can't feel what I feel.
I can tell you what I feel.
But you can't feel what I feel.
Only I feel what I feel.
Sunset then Sunrise, Day after Day, We live in a Dream
This is my first entry for this new blog and sorry that it has to start off with such a sad tone…
The gift, first of its kind, was supposed to bring lots of joy into my life... I can see all the anticipating faces waiting to enjoy the gift of a new life... While time slowly ticks in the anticipation and the preparation of receiving the joy, worries seems to spill out of the darkness, engulfing the joy...
When all things seem too good to be true, I was presented with a despairing truth… The lost of the gift... The pain was too much to bear… Despite much condolence, I had truly not gotten over it… Despite not expecting that gift, the joy that was given was indescribable when it was given. Especially the happiness it brings to the people around me making me a much happier person... Many tears have I shed when the gift is taken away, but it never seems enough to ease the pain… The only resolution is to keep my mind entertained so that I would stray from the pain and despair…
Thus I am to have my first experience in KK… Together with the pain of loss, I have to be traumatized with fear… Especially when doctors will brief you of the little possibilities that things may go wrong… Despite the comfort they give me that the surgeon is specialized & that the possibility that things may go wrong is really really low, I could not help tearing almost the whole way… I wonder if it is my imagination or did I really see, while waiting to be pushed to the operating bed, being blessed by the goddess of mercy... I beg to believe the latter...
When I woke up, it is finally over… My little gift has been taken from me… Again fighting the pain of loss, for I know I have to be strong… My eyes were extremely swollen from all the crying that I can barely open them…
My first night at KK... Despite all reluctance, my father & my sister left and then eventually my darling husband had to go home too… Although I have an extra blanky from the nurse, it still felt kind of cold. Luckily I was able to sleep, awakening slightly only when the nurse came to take our temperature… I woke up very early… Observing the other patients and their family walking about… Waiting for my darling husband to come as soon as he can… Doctors came to check on me… They even asked a counsellor to come talk to me although I told them no need and I’m ok... Again as the counsellor touched on the painful topic, I started to tear uncontrollably… Time ticks away slowly until finally my darling husband is here… This cheered me up quite a lot…
As per my big sister, I need to have my first confinement... Decide to stay at my parent's place so that my dear daddy can look after me... Daddy cooked alot alot of food for me... It was a boring 4 weeks... Nothing much to do... Luckily my dear little sister is there to look after me & chit chat with me... Lending me books to read... Grateful that my darling husband came almost everyday to cheer me up despite how very the tired he is...
My first pregnancy, my first miscarriage, my first operation, my first hospital stay, my first confinement... So many first... The whole experience still deeply etched in my mind, with overwhelming gratefulness of the support & care of my family during such a tough period of my life... And new found fears that are now always in my mind... when will I be able to rid myself of those fears...
Sunset then Sunrise, Day after Day, We live in a Dream
